Progressive Commencement Speaker Butchers White Names Too

BOONE, N.C. — Appalachian State University Commencement Announcer Rachel Decatur made waves during last weekend’s College of Arts and Sciences Commencement Ceremony. According to eyewitnesses, Decatur stumbled courageously and gracelessly through the names of every white student in attendance.

“What can I say? I’m all about equality”, said Decatur, 43. “Every year, so many students of color are forced to face that embarrassing moment when some hick professor makes an absolute mess of their names while they’re walking across the stage. So I figured this year, I’m gonna do something about that. I’m gonna make sure that I get selected to announce the names, and I’m just gonna fuck up all of ‘em so nobody feels singled out.”

While some were quick to applaud the valiant demonstration, several of the white students took issue with Decatur’s creative choices.

“This was supposed to be the most important moment of my life”, said graduating Senior Michael Ballard. “My mom was filming, my grandma came all the way from her nursing home in Jacksonville, just to see me announced as ‘Mitcha El Balls-Hard.’ And I just know that nickname is gonna stick, I can feel it. There’s no way anybody’s gonna hire me now.”

White students weren’t the only ones who criticized Decatur’s actions, however, as evidenced by App. State parent Giselle Carlisle.

“I just don’t know if that was the right way to address the issue”, explained Carlisle, 56. “It seems to me like maybe the Commencement Announcer should maybe just practice a little bit, just to make sure they get all the names right. I mean I get it. There’s a lot of students graduating. It would be impossible to memorize all their names, but there has got to be a better solution than this, right?”

At press time, Appalachian State is proud to confer the degree of Bachelor of the Arts to Brye-Tanny Michel-Hanney.