God Teases Sinister April Fool's Prank

CAIRO, Egypt — The Judeo-Christian God revealed a first-look teaser for his upcoming divine plague/epic prank during a press conference ahead of April Fool's Day.

"It's going to be incredible," The Almighty told local reporters. "As devout followers will know, every year I play a huge prank on the Pharoah, and this year I think I've finally found it. My magnum opus. It's simple: I am going to kill every first-born child and animal in every home."

Humans were understandably rattled by God's announcement, with some arguing the move may be a step too far.

"How could anyone call this a prank? This is terrible!" exclaimed local scribe Setau. "He can't just go around doing this, can we? April Fool's Day used to be about fun, about poking fun. Where is the fun in this? God completely lost me on this one. And don't even get me started about his 'secret club.'"

In a private conversation with two reporters named Moses and Aaron, God hinted at the existence of a "secret club" of people that would be safe from the prank.

"Yeah, you know, a secret club." spake the ageless, omnipotent Lord, "You guys seem cool, I trust you. Just each of you find some friends you can trust and tell them to smear some shit over their door. Something like... blood! Yeah, tell all your friends to smear some damn blood on the door to show they're in the club. Then, when I'm out killing kids and livestock, I'll spare everybody who's in the secret club. Shhhh. Just do it, I promise."

At press time, half of the secret club has split off to form an even secreter, holier club.