Brave Cop Scores Sweet Loot From Car Fire

MARSHFIELD, Wis. — Local police officer Donny Lorenz received high praise from colleagues and civilians alike last week, after a heroic roadside rescue. The Marshfield PD Sergeant leapt into action Thursday night to score some sweet grass, glass, and cash from a blazing vehicle on the side of the road, eyewitnesses report.

"It was incredible, like something out of an action movie," said local man Phil Pratt. "I could see the smoke from a mile away. I pulled over a couple hundred feet behind the accident to get a better look, and I couldn't believe my eyes. Ash falling all around, flames licking the sky, blood-curdling shrieks. And in the middle of it all, there was Seargent Lorenz, leaping into the carnage."

According to Sgt. Lorenz, however, it was nothing more than a routine rescue.

"We see this kind of thing all the time," said Lorenz. "Maybe it's a wiring issue, maybe a leaky fuel line. One minute, you're having a peaceful drive through the country. Next minute, all hell breaks loose. That's when we get to work. Our first concern, of course, is always the people. But, I could tell right away they were done for. So I move on to priority number two: Is there any paraphernalia in the car? And boy, was there. The moment I saw that payload I had only one thought in my mind: 'You're coming home with me.'"

Marshfield Police Chief Jody Geurink commended Sgt. Lorenz for his efforts in a press conference shortly after the incident, awarding him the department's Medal of Valor for his heroic efforts.

"It is my honor to bestow this medal on Sgt. Lorenz, who so bravely went above and beyond the call of duty, personally ensuring that not one bong burned in the horrible inferno. It is unfortunate that the City of Marshfield lost four innocent citizens in the blaze, and we offer our deepest condolences to deceased's families. But I mean, was that badass or what?"

At press time, approximately 20 million people have signed a petition to award Sgt. Lorenz the Congressional Medal of Honor.