Jan. 6 Rioter Finally Able to Afford Dream Felony

JORDAN, Mont. — Local Proud Boy and Capitol insurrectionist Kevin Lawrence may finally have the means to become the Aggravated Arsonist he’s always dreamed of being, thanks to the Justice Department’s creation of a $1.776 billion dollar “Anti-Weaponization Fund”, sources dangerously close to kerosene report.

“I just can’t believe it’s finally happening,” a teary-eyed Lawrence told reporters Monday night. “It feels like a dream come true, it really does. I had a feeling I was gonna get some blessings this year, but everybody doubted me. My wife, my kids, my parents. They all kept saying ‘Damnit Kevin, you need to turn your life around. You can’t just keep committing violent crimes and expecting the President to bail you out.’ But pretty soon they’ll all be eating their words, cause I’m gonna get me a fat check from the Justice Department and as soon as I do, I’m gon’ make that Walmart off the freeway that won’t cash my checks light up like the Fourth of July.”

The Fund, established by the Justice Department as part of a fun treasonous magic trick between President Trump and the IRS, promises to offset the hardships that many right-wing criminals have had to endure in recent years as a consequence of their own actions. And according to US Attorney General Todd Blanche, Lawrence is exactly the kind of honest, anarchy-loving American the Fund seeks to make whole.

“I had the chance to meet Kevin earlier today and I tell you what, I couldn’t write that check fast enough.” said Blanche. “Mr. Lawrence’s is a story that you see all across this great nation of ours. There’s millions, possibly even billions of Americans out there who just want to be left alone to commit horrendous acts of political violence in peace, free from government overreach. Sadly, the previous administration saw fit to deprive Mr. Lawrence and his peers of that basest of freedoms, a true atrocity which we have been hard at work trying to undo.”

At press time, the IRS is brainstorming creative ways to cave to the President’s future demands before he can even make them.