DHS Halts International Flights to Cities with Bike Lanes

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Department of Homeland Security shocked the nation last week, as Secretary Markwayne Mullin announced plans to halt all international flights to US cities containing bike lanes in a press conference Thursday morning.

“I can’t stand those fucking things,” an agitated Mullin told reporters. “So pretentious, a whole section of the road reserved for some asshole in booty-shorts. Well, frankly that is not the kind of image these great United States want to portray to the rest of the world. So, effective today, all international arrivals to any city with a god-damned bike lane will be rerouted to a respectable American metropolis, like Jacksonville.”

Secretary Mullin’s announcement has seemingly caused an uproar among Americans and those from around the world hoping to visit our nation in the near future.

“I don’t understand what’s happening at all.” said Marie Perot, a French singer whose American tour is scheduled for later this month. “The first week I’m playing three shows in Chicago, Milwaukee, and Indianapolis. Why have they rerouted me to Bryce Canyon, Utah?”

The DHS’s announcement has also left many state and local officials scrambling to adapt to yet another reckless shake-up from the Trump administration.

“It’s a curveball, for sure, but this city’s handled worse.” a Mayor Zohran Mamdani confidently explained to reporters. “At this time, our plan is simple: we are going to hire 200 able-bodied New Yorkers, at a generous wage, to temporarily re-label all bike lanes in New York City’s five boroughs as ‘Manually-Operated Two-Wheel Transportation Zones.’ Our hope is that the big words will confuse Secretary Mullin and he’ll be unable to identify them as bike lanes.”

At press time, the DHS is also considering a proposal to close all World Cup matches in cities with libraries.