Pretty Good Chance Draft Notice Spam

SHEPHERDSVILLE, Ky. — Amidst a bundle of grocery store ads, insurance scams, and flyers from internet service providers, one piece of mail in particular, sent from the so-called "Selective Service System", stuck out to local man John Passinissi, sources in denial report.

"I mean it can't be real, right?" said Passinissi, pausing intermittently to stare at nothing. "It's gotta be spam... right? It has to be... It-- I get so much mail claiming this, that, or the other, but it's always junk. Oh! Look at this! It's gotta be spam, they misspelled 'Tehran.' At least, I think they did. Hold on, let me look it up.... Nope, I'll be damned. That's how you spell it. But, like, that doesn't necessarily prove anything. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's definitely fake."

As reporters began to leave Passinissi's apartment, he frantically jumped from his chair and grabbed the arm of one editor with Associated Jest.

"You guys think it's spam too, right? Please tell me you think it's spam. I mean I know it definitely is but... but I think it would feel good just to hear someone else say it, you know? Just say it. Just tell me you think it's spam. Don't look at me like that man!" exclaimed Passinissi while choking back tears, "I can't do this man. I'm young, I've got my whole life ahead of me. I-- I gotta go to Canada. Can you guys take me to Canada? Please? Come on, I can just hide in one of your news vans, it'll be fine. Just throw a blanket and some recording equipment over me, nobody's gotta know!

"Shit, you guys are writing all this down. Hey, please don't publish this story, okay? Could you do that for me? You don't have to take me to Canada, I can figure it out. Just, please don't publish this. It can be our little secret. Nobody has to know. I'll burn the letter right now or-- or I'll eat it." Rambled John just before swallowing the letter whole and chasing it with a glass of water. "I never got this letter. What letter? Haha, it never happened. This is a dream. You guys aren't real. I'm gonna wake up here real soon, I can feel it."

At press time, Passinissi is in federal custody after trying to cross the Canadian border with a traveling circus. If he's lucky, he'll get a nice prison sentence that'll keep him stateside for a few years, but a source inside the Department of Homeland Security tells us that John is Mashhad-bound.