Democrats Demand ICE Reform Or Best Offer

WASHINGTON -- Last week, Democrats in both the House and Senate held out against their Republican counterparts, demanding immediate ICE reform However, several Congressional Democrats have already confirmed that they are willing to settle for much, much less.

"Obviously, we hope to finally put a stop to the atrocities being carried out by the DHS." said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, "But at the same time, diplomacy is all about compromise, and we're willing to give up all leverage we have in exchange for minimal returns, should it come to that. I just hope they accept our terms without condition. If they don't we won't hesitate to fold instantly."

Republicans in Congress were extremely grateful for the Dems' amenability, and plan to take full advantage of the situation, according to House Speaker Mike Johnson.

"Yeah, we're not budging." said Johnson, "If I thought they were going to push back I'd maybe make some concessions, just to speed things along, but come on. This is the Democratic Party we're talking about; they practically work for us at this point. We'll pretend to go back and forth for a couple days, just to give people a show, but then we'll get exactly what we want, and they'll tell their constituents to donate more next time. The cycle continues."

Meanwhile, many Democrats in Congress remain irresponsibly optimistic about their situation, as evidenced by Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer.

"Honestly, it's a win-win scenario for us." said Schumer, "Either we get some serious ICE reform, and we kill at the midterms; or we get nothing at all. Either way I'll be cold and in the ground long before I have to face the consequences of my inaction."

At press time, House Democrats are hoping to negotiate for some Kid Rock tickets, but only if it's no trouble.