Uh Oh! Canvasser Marks You as Chosen Prey

NEW YORK — Hurried pedestrians and people-pleasers beware, as an eager canvasser nearby has seemingly marked you, the reader, as his chosen prey, sources eager to speak to you for just a moment report.

“I could smell you the second you turned the corner, I’m locked on now.” said volunteer canvasser Andrew Kairn. “I see what you’re trying to do, giving a polite but not too friendly nod in my direction before quickly averting your gaze. I’m onto your little game. You think you can just walk right past me and avoid an awkward confrontation on the way to work. Well, you’ve got another thing coming. I don’t care that you’re already late or that you spoke with the last guy. You’re on my block now, you arrogant, clueless fool.”

Fortunately for you, dear reader, all hope may not yet be lost, as several members of your local community were quick to share their advice for avoiding Andrew’s sinister gaze.

“I’ve lived on this block for 4 years now, so I’m no stranger to the game,” said local resident Martha Daniels. “That Andrew is a sick son of a bitch, and a hell of a hunter too. I’ve found it’s best to just not engage. It may feel rude, I know, but you gotta just keep walking. If you show even an ounce of hesitation, he’s already got you.

Reporters also spoke with Ms. Daniel’s long-time domestic partner Patty Proust, who added “If it makes you feel better, you can get on a phone call, or just pretend to get on a phone call. Don’t get me wrong, Andrew will still try to come in for the kill, but it makes it easier to ignore him if you’re engaged in another conversation.”

Readers should note that Associated Jest reporters were unable to verify the claims of Daniels and Proust, as Mark later provided a statement that seems to contradict theirs.

“‘Keep walking?’ ‘Fake a phone call?’” exclaimed Kairn. “Yeah, right. You’re not safe, not as long as I’m around. Who gave you that advice, anyway? If it was Martha and Patty, they’re full of it. Patty donates to our cause every month, and I squeezed $400 out of Martha yesterday. If you wanna get the one-up on me you’re gonna have to try a lot harder than those two. Or don’t, I’ll get ya either way.”

At press time, you’ve already agreed to donate and attend the meetings and receive the newsletter and volunteer as a canvasser yourself. Your affable nature and crippling social anxiety made it all too easy.