Sarah Jessica Parker Inspires Grads With Latest Mr. Big Update

EVANSTON, IL — For most graduating students a commencement speech is a long and rambling lecture from a faculty member or stranger. Something to be tuned out and suffered through. However, this year's graduating class from Northwestern got a rare treat. A speech from none other than Carrie Bradshaw herself. Sarah Jessica Parker encouraged grads to stay true to themselves, embrace curiosity, and dream “Big”. She then elaborated at length on the subject saying, 

“Dream Big kids, my Big dream died on a Peloton but yours is still out there. I know things have changed since the 90’s. These days it’s much harder for a gal to make a living off of drinking and fucking. But we all need to adapt. When your man dies, you grab that spirit board and rip his untethered soul back from the ether.” 

Sarah Jessica Parker then confirmed to Northwestern grads, that she had in fact retrieved the soul of Mr. Big from beyond the grave. Shocking the student body and faculty. 

“It really wasn’t as hard as you might think. Apparently they didn’t have steak and cigars wherever Big was going. So he was pretty willing to come back over to the land of the living. But get this kids…” SJP then paused to take a sip from a Cosmo hidden within her podium. “I go through all the trouble to find this man's wandering soul on the borders of human consciousness. And then I come home, to find him floating above the bed with some other girl.” 

Apparently, despite being dead for only a few days. For the non corporeal soul of Mr. Big a thousand lifetimes had since passed. During his voyage through the veils of reality, Mr. Big found new love in the form of a civil war era ghost named Clara. The ghoulish couple had already been together for a hundred years relative to them, before Big was summoned back to this plane of existence. 

“It’s tough to see your man…well, see through your man sleeping with another girl. But through it all, you still have your friends, and you’ll always have New York.” 

At press time, Sarah Jessica Parker was awarded an honorary Doctor of Arts degree from the college. Due to a deal made during his summoning, the soul of Mr. Big is now tethered to Parker for the rest of eternity. A fate that fans of the show will realize, is much worse than death.