Federal Judge Rolls Over, Presents Tummy

WASHINGTON, D.C.— Recent decisions from the executive branch have led to an increase in judicial involvement. Whether it’s setting up a slush fund for insurrectionists or spending possible billions of tax payer dollars on a ballroom, our President's agenda keeps getting snagged on the pesky notion of legality. But that is soon to be a problem of the past, as of June 10th the Senate has confirmed 276 Federal Judges all nominated by Trump. In a show of loyalty one such judge laid down, pulled up his robe, and presented his pink lil’ tummy, expectantly waiting for belly rubs. Trump boasted online about the obedience of his nominations saying. 

“YOU SHOULD SEE HOW GOOD I’VE GOT THEM TRAINED. I TELL THEM TO SIT THEY SIT, I TELL THEM TO SHAKE THEY DO THEIR BEST, I TELL THEM TO SET CIVIL LIBERTIES BACK DECADES AND BAM IT HAPPENS. I KEEP A LITTLE BACON IN MY POCKET AND TOSS EM’ A PIECE WHEN THEY’RE GOOD.” 

After waiting several hours with his belly exposed, Judge Mathew Kacsmaryk realized no one was coming to rub his tummy. Unsure of what he’d done wrong Judge Kacsmaryk suspended the FDA’s 24-year-old approval of Mifepristone, in an attempt to get back in the good graces of the other right wing extremists. Judge Kacsmaryk made a statement later defending the decision to press saying. 

“Hmmmmm see, I’m a good boy. A real good boy, and real good boys get belly rubs. Please someone…anyone.”

Judge Kacsmaryk again hiked up his robe and presented his pink belly to the press conference. When no one got up to rub his belly, the Judge changed tactics. 

“What human rights does a guy gotta suspend to get his damn belly rubbed around here. I also ruled that Title X violated parents rights so now Texas teens need to get their parents approval to access contraceptives or family planning services. Surely that deserves something, I’ll even take a butt scratch at this point.” 

Judge Kacsmaryk then dropped his pants and showed his bare ass. Arching it back in a way that only comes with years of practice. After what felt like an eternity to the press, Judge Kacsmaryk sighed heavily, pulled up his pants, and skulked to his bed in the corner. Presumably to cook up a violation to human rights, that would gain him some affection from his fellow extremists and the President.

At press time, Judge Kacsmaryk is fast asleep in his little bed in the corner, his legs pedaling in the air. Expert legal sources believe the judge is likely dreaming about chasing squirrels or forcing a teenager to carry a child to term. President Trump has neither confirmed nor denied whether or not he will be rewarding Judge Kacsmaryk with even so much as a scratch behind the ear. However White House sources did observe the President filling up Judge Kacsmaryk’s KONG chew toy with peanut butter.