Zombie Abe Lincoln Sweeps White House UFC Fight

WHITE HOUSE — President Trump celebrated his 80th birthday, with a UFC fight held on the White House’s south lawn last Sunday. The event was expected to be a propaganda fueled slug fest, but the fights all proved to be fairly one sided thanks to a surprise addition to the lineup. The zombified corpse of 16th president Abraham Lincoln. Who proved to be unstoppable, ending every fight with a clean knock out and devouring. Cage side commentator Joe Rogan gave this statement before the event. 

“This event is already completely unprecedented. Can you name a single other government in the world, holding combat sports events in their nation's capital? You can’t cus there aren’t any countries that fuck like us. I’ve taken ten times the recommended dose of this Kratom supplement, I’m rock hard and ready to go.” 

Many of the scheduled fighters took time before or after their matches to glaze the President. Wishing him a happy birthday and congratulating him on all his accomplishments. All except for zombie Abe Lincoln who refused to stroke the president’s ego, much to the President’s dismay. 

“We knew there was going to be backlash,” said the President. “So we figured if we could get the endorsement of one of the founding fathers, that would shut everyone up. We got the same necromancer we use for Mitch McConnell and got him to bring back Abe Lincoln. But the results have been disastrous. He’s terrifyingly strong, and refuses to touch on any of the talking points we give him. On top of everything else we found out later he’s not even considered a founding father. Thank god we got that reflecting pool sorted out though, otherwise this birthday would be a total wash.” 

Zombie Lincoln's first fight against UFC Heavyweight Josh Hokit was over in a matter of seconds. The crowd cheered furiously as the zombie's right cross connected with Hokit’s ribcage with a satisfying crunch. Hokit vomited blood and collapsed to the ground. Zombie Lincoln then howled his approval to the cheering fans, before cracking Hokit’s skull open like a coconut and digging in. 

At press time, the zombified Lincoln is rampaging through the Freedom 250 event. After finishing the remains of his last opponent, the great emancipator was still not satisfied and went off into the crowd in search of worthy opponents. Secret Service agents have so far been unsuccessful in their attempts to send zombie Lincoln back to the grave. If all else fails, White House necromancers are currently in the process of resurrecting a zombie John Wilkes Booth.