UPenn Claims Rights to Phillie Phanatic’s Skeleton

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Philadelphia's beloved baseball mascot has made no secret of his battle with long term illness over the years. Decades of chronic substance abuse combined with generational inbreeding have taken a heavy toll on the physical and mental health of the Phanatic.

After the Phanatic was admitted to the emergency room late on Sunday, the Phillies received a letter of intent from the University of Pennsylvania stating “Dibs” on the oversized muppet's carcass.

President of the University J. Larry Jameson later clarified saying “Who do you think cooked up that abomination? We had bins and bins of fuzzy green corpses before we finally made one that could even walk, you better believe his remains will remain the property of The University of Pennsylvania.”

Team members and fans alike expressed outrage at the request.

“It’s not what he would have wanted,” Said Starting Pitcher Zach Wheeler “He always said he wanted to be laid to rest in the Delaware River, with his wife and son. He held a tremendous amount of guilt after being the only survivor of that car crash. I think this was his way of finding peace.”

At press time, the Phanatic is in critical condition. Both The University of Pennsylvania as well as The Phillies have large parties waiting outside the hospital. National Guard forces have been deployed with little to no hope of mitigating the situation. Upon his death the ensuing riot over his corpse is expected to rival that of an Eagles win.