Trump to Paint Reflecting Pool Spider-Vein Blue

WASHINGTON — Anyone in D.C. this past weekend looking to reflect on the state of the nation, had to do so without the aid of the iconic Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. As part of an effort by President Trump to distract from literally everything he has ever done and is still doing. The President has started a number of construction projects across the D.C. area, with the aim of making the capital a better representation of our nation as a whole. 

“And what color best represents our nation as a whole?” asked The President to press. “Spider-vein blue! I was elected because this country was tired of having these out of touch politicians running the country into the ground. Who better to serve the needs of the average American than me? A 79 year-old billionaire.” 

The President went on to explain that initially, his color of choice for the resurfacing of the reflecting pool was Orphan Red. Citing the colors' low cost due to overproduction in recent years. However after discussing it with an "unnamed friend from Germany” the President decided on a color he thought everyone could relate to. 

“If the average American is anything like me, which I know you all are. Then you haven’t an ounce of sensation in your extremities since The Lion King was in theatres.” Said The President at a rally in Huston. “When I look down at the beautiful machine that is my body I see the very colors of our nation. Red rashes, on paper white skin, and of course the beautiful blue of a spider-vein.” 

He then went on for 20 minutes further defining the average American as a White Man, aged 65-90, with a net worth north of Ten Million, and with at least half of their money spread across multiple properties. The President’s comments in Huston lead to some backlash online which was quickly addressed by Vice President Vance on the White House Lawn. 

“Some people have been saying that perhaps a geriatric billionaire is not the best person to lead us. To these people I ask, who else would you have led us? President Trump is just like every one of us. He wakes up every morning, and has his aid help him put his pants on one leg at a time before promptly shitting them, just like everybody else.” 

At press time, Vice President Vance is not being let back into the White House until dinner is over, in order to prevent begging at the table. The President’s pool guy called his cousin and got the country a screaming deal on paint, bringing the total cost of the project down to a measly two mil.