The Next Rizzler? My Child is Illiterate

STATEN ISLAND  — Local mother Constance Holeman was stunned last Tuesday after a parent teacher conference at Richmond Middle School. According to teachers, Holeman's eleven-year-old son Aran was deemed functionally Illiterate. 

“I was thrilled!” Said Holeman, “I was worried for a while that my baby boy was just going to be another nobody, but his teachers told me that due to his record-low reading comprehension scores he’s being moved straight to the school's 'Influencer track.'” 

Aran’s school, like many in the area, has found itself woefully understaffed and underfunded. Initially, students like Aran who would’ve needed some extra help in learning core skills may have gotten left behind. But Principal Roman Bennet came up with a unique solution to turn this shortcoming into an opportunity. 

“In years past, if a child were struggling with basic skills we would waste time and resources making sure they had the necessary tools to thrive in society. But with dwindling budgets and a never-ending need for content, we encourage more and more of our students to forgo academic pursuits altogether and instead dedicate themselves to content creation” 

Despite how new Richmond's program is, it's already developed a distinguished roster of influencer alumni. Their greatest success story being nine-year-old Christian Joseph, better known as The Rizzler.  

“Young Christian showed amazing aptitude for content creation.” Said Principal Bennet “We encourage students to stick with what works. Our curriculum focuses on getting one thing to blow up and then riding that rocket into the stratosphere. When I look at Aran Holeman I see much of the same rizz that Christian once carried through these halls. We can only pray that the algorithm will be kind.” 

At press time, Aran’s coursework has fully shifted to the influencer track. Including classes such as Ring Light Operation, and Filming Strangers Without Their Consent. Mrs. Holeman couldn't be prouder. Principal Bennet is currently petitioning the school board to shutter all standard academic courses and start a new school dedicated entirely to content creation.