Part-Time Job Causing Full-Time Depression

AURORA, IL — 18-Year-Old Elijah Cedar was thrilled when after a nerve-wracking interview, they were hired part-time, at Jumpstreet Trampoline Park. Now six years later at the age of 24, this same job has become a major detriment to Elijah’s mental health. Like many elder Gen Z, Elijah has struggled finding gainful employment. In order to make ends meet, they’ve had to take on a number of part time jobs that have been less than fulfilling, as they will no doubt tell you. 

“This job was fine when I was 18, but I’m a different person now. I cut my mullet and stopped listening to Ska. Like all the other parts of my teenage self, It’s definitely time to get rid of this job. The only thing keeping me here is my dumbass need for food and shelter. So until I’m able to get a sugar daddy or teach my body photosynthesis, I’m stuck here four times a week.” 

But Elijah’s mental state only worsened over time. After another evening of Doom Scrolling on LinkedIn, Elijah decided it was finally time to seek professional help. With no insurance provided though their employer and the meager income provided from their two part time jobs. Their options were limited to a single therapist, who was more than willing to talk with Press about their patient.  

“Elijah is suuuccchh a fucking loser dawg” said technically licensed therapist Hoagie T. Pigment. "They always come in whining about wanting more from life, or 'feeling like their finite time on this plane is being whittled away by cruel systems they’ve been born into beyond their control.' It’s like bro, what? Have a Hot Pocket, smoke a bowl and fucking chill. They are my only patient that gets pissed if I try to bust out the Super Nintendo during a session. How am I supposed to help someone who won’t let me treat them?” 

Despite the seemingly expert care of their therapist, Elijah fell only further into their depression. Regardless of their college education and multiple internships, nothing remotely stable appeared on their professional horizons. Until Elijah had a breakthrough. 

“My mom is a Board Member for United Health! One phone call and bam, I’m making six figures. Now instead of being miserable myself, I get to cause misery for others. It makes a kind of cosmic sense. If there’s anyone out there, looking to leave their part time job like I did. All you need to do is ask yourself one question. What do my parents do? If you've been lucky enough to be preordained and born into the new ruling class, congrats! If not, I’ve got the number of a therapist, who's also a great plug.” 

At press time, Elijah is denying insurance claims left and right. In stark contrast to the tears of the sick and injured, Elijah’s smile has never been larger. Their Mother, Grandfather, and Great Grandfather, couldn’t be prouder to see another member of the family handed everything.