Man's Fingers Too Buttery to Leave Movie Theater

AMC NEWCITY  — 28 Year Old Joseph Klearny loves a good movie. So much in fact that last Christmas he was given an AMC Stubs A List Membership. Initially he was thrilled, but after the events of this last weekend he may be wishing he just got some cash instead. After his fourth screening of Spiderman Brand New Day, Klearny discovered that his fingers had become too buttery to operate the door and leave the theater. After being rescued by paramedics Klearny gave this statement. 

“I had just finished my fourth watch through of Spiderman Brand New Day. You can’t watch a movie without popcorn, and what’s popcorn without the butter flavored topping. I don’t hold back, I load every bag of popcorn like it’s my last. I always figured the biggest risk was to my sodium intake, but like Icarus I buttered too close to the sun.” 

The average movie goer consumes roughly 750 mg of salt, and 1-2 oz of Butter Topping in their popcorn, according to studies done by AMC. Samples taken from Mr. Klearny’s leftovers showed over 9,000 mg of salt and roughly a liter of Butter Topping. 

“I like to load up my popcorn, sue me” said Klearny. “Usually I don’t have any issue, I just grab a shit ton of napkins before going in. This time however, they said they were out. I figured it would be fine and I’d just wash my hands after the movie. But as the credits rolled and I left my seat, I quickly discovered I was trapped. My hands just couldn’t find any purchase on the door. The second I applied any pressure they just slid right off. I tried to wipe some of the butter off on my jeans, but they were already so soaked I think it was just adding more to my hands.” 

After fifteen minutes of trying in vain to open the exit doors, Joseph was resigned to wait for help. Figuring that someone would be in to clean the theater in a matter of minutes. But unfortunately for Joseph. In attempts to cut labor costs, AMC had recently left the cleaning of late screening theaters to the morning shift. New hire Bobby Vogel, gave us the inside scoop. 

“Yeah the way people leave theaters these days it’s easier for us to wait overnight and let everything crust over. Then we just come in with a shovel the next morning. We peel off the bottom layer of candy, popcorn, and spilled soda. Then it’s good as new. But that morning, I had come in with the shovel and found a man covered in butter, passed out in one of the recliners. After two or three attempts to help him up, I got him outside and called him an ambulance.” 

At press time, Joseph’s condition is greasy but stable. In response to these events, AMC Newcity has moved their butter topping station behind the counter. Now all popcorn seasoning may only be done by licensed professionals. Management assures guests that “while this new policy may be inconvenient for everyone involved, this is the only way to ensure no guests are left so covered in butter they are unable to leave the building”.