Sacha Barren Cohen Added to Ed Sheeran Tour

METLIFE STADIUM NEW JERSEY — Rapper Macklemore has been removed from Ed Sheeran's Loop tour after repeated shows of support for Palestine. According to Rolling Stone the main push for the rapper's removal came when Billionaire Robert Kraft - owner of the New England Patriots and Gillette Stadium - mounted a pressure campaign against Sheeran and other venues in the area. Faced with the prospect of growing a backbone, the singer-songwriter elected instead to remove Macklemore from the tour. But thankfully Billionaire Robert Kraft already had a replacement in mind. 

“Trust me this is the most culturally relevant guy I know,” said the 85 year old Billionaire. “I’ll put in a couple calls and you’ll see people will forget all about this whole “genocide” nonsense.” 

Within minutes Robert Kraft had comedian Sacha Barren Cohen flown in to Jersey on a private plane to join Sheeran on the tour. Despite not being a musician, Kraft assured Sheeran that this was sure to get the people going. 

“It was a tough call for sure,” said Sheeran. “ I still consider Macklemore a close friend. When my producers told me that his words had offended the billionaire owner of the New England Patriots, and that he in turn pressured other venues to ban him and halt the tour, I was a little conflicted. But as a multi millionaire myself, and someone with really nothing to lose from canceling the tour, I thought it best to bend over and think of England. PLUS NOW WE’VE GOT BORAT! So in the end I guess it all worked out.” 

After Macklemore’s removal all other opening artists for the tour, elected to leave the tour in solidarity with Macklemore and with Palestine. While initially hurt by the sentiment, Sheeran confirmed that he was excited about the new possibilities for the tour. 

“Originally we had about an hour and a half of opening acts followed by an hour and a half of Shape of You,” said Sheeran. “But after everyone else decided they weren’t ok with genocide all of the sudden, our new lineup shifted to two hours of Sacha doing Borat and one hour of Thinking Out Loud. I’m also set to go out first, so I’m really opening for Sacha. It’s a bit of a bummer but at least Robert’s happy.”

At press time, Cohen and Sheeran are still set to continue their tour. The tour, originally planned to go around the world, is now set to do two more shows in the United States before heading down for a four year residency in Riyadh Saudi Arabia. Humanitarian groups and a United Nations Commission have said Israel’s actions in Gaza constitute a genocide. Israel and its allies, including the United States, continue to deny it.