EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Audiences worldwide were left horrified after the theatrical premiere of Toy Story 5 Thursday night. According to eyewitnesses, the long-awaited fifth installment of Pixar’s flagship franchise includes several ‘bizarre’ and ‘unexpected’ scenes, including one 3-minute segment that shows viewers the exact moment Bonnie first saw the video of Charlie Kirk’s assassination. “What are some of those core ‘canon moments’ that everyone with a mobile device can rel

CHICAGO — The eighth season of HBO Max’s Euphoria premiered last month and, for some odd reason, people are still talking about Euphoria. Now personally, I’m no stranger to the world of television. My peers know this. So they keep asking me what I think of Euphoria and how I’m liking the new season of Euphoria. It’s all been very exhausting, not because the last thing I want to do with my time is dedicate 36 hours to catching up on Euphoria. That would be absurd. The issue is

CLEVELAND — The vibes in the office turned abysmal this morning as local Sales Rep Johnathan Webster discovered not a single one of his coworkers talking about WrestleMania. “I just can’t believe what I’m not hearing.” said Webster, unable to stand still. “How is nobody talking about the biggest event of the year? Not one person has asked me what matches I had money on. Nobody even pretended to hit me with an RKO. The only logical explanation is I’m being pranked. Everybody’s

NEW YORK — “Super Mario Galaxy” star Chris Pratt found himself unusually speechless during an appearance on The Today Show last week after being asked just why God created the “Good Egg Galaxy.” “It… It’s an interesting question you pose,” said Pratt, following 4 straight minutes of careful thought. “I guess I would say the ‘why?’ of it all is silly to focus on. The Almighty often does things for reasons we cannot hope to understand. All we can do is trust His plan and someti

WEST LINN, Ore. — What could have been an extremely awkward encounter turned out to be a unique bonding opportunity for the family of local man Gil Montgomery, who finally admitted to having a secret second family... that also loves playing miniature wargame Warhammer 40K. "Yeah, you know, I was pretty shocked when we found out Dad was hiding a second family from us for our entire lives," said daughter Chloe Montgomery, 14. "At first I was pissed but then I saw the Imperium f

Anaheim, CA — Famous Entertainment Mogul and Restauranteur Charles Entertainment Cheese was spotted by the press slipping out the backdoor of the known residence of Ms. Minnie Mouse late last Friday. “I’ve seen that rat sneaking in and out of the place for months now!” Said local cafe owner Daisy Duck. “I come in around 4 every morning to start baking and the past couple of times I’ve seen him slipping out the back window around that same time. I always knew Mickey wasn’t pa