Brach's Unveils Anatomically Correct Candy Hearts

CHICAGO -- In a bold attempt to shake up the familiar holiday classic, Brach's new Anatomically Correct Conversation Hearts hit shelves last week just in time for Valentine's Day.

"We're hoping to offer consumers a break from the same-old, tired confections you see in retailers around this time of year." said Kevin Martin, President of Brach's, "Nowadays, people are looking more and more to science to improve their overall health, and we here at Brach's are proud to show our commitment to our customers' health by reminding them: This is what your heart really looks like."

Several candy heart lovers have praised the move and commended Brach's efforts to improve customers' health.

"I like 'em. Now, not only can you eat a pink-dyed brick of sugar with a low-effort sweet nothing printed on it, but you can also learn a valuable lesson about what your heart looks like." said Shelly Lawson, 43. "Plus, the natural heart shape fits 40% more sugar by area than the old shape."

Not everyone is excited about the change, however, as we heard from employees at retailers selling the new Hearts.

"I can't stand the damn things." said local Walmart employee Paul Shepherd. "I thought it was a joke at first, cause I mean, those things are freaky looking. I won't even stock them anymore. I put out a case of them last weekend and I swear I could hear the hearts beating. Just 'bomp-bomp, bomp-bomp,' ringing through my head, louder than hell.

At press time, Shepherd has been fired from Walmart after violently slashing through a box to "free the Hearts."