Fisherman Begs Local Children to Stop Playing Mermaids

LAKE MICHIGAN — Wisconsin Fisherman Jake Bluegill has run his small commercial fishing business for nearly two decades. However, after losing his fourth vessel on Monday to local children playing mermaids, Jake is on the brink of financial ruin. Jake detailed the situation after being rescued by the coast guard. 

“I’ve got nothing against kids going outside and playing games. Heck, you don't see it enough these days. But this has become something else altogether. The game these kids are playing is nothing like the mermaids you or I grew up with. Back when we played we only had mermaid powers like, talking to fish, or eco location. These days kids are only interested in one mermaid power, luring sailors to their deaths. It cost me a fortune.” 

Nearly two months ago Jake experienced his first bout with local teens out on the lake. When, after hauling in his first net of the day, he heard a strange sound off his starboard bow. 

“We had just pulled in nearly 20 pounds of White Fish, when all the sudden I heard the song of creation itself drifting over the water.” Said Bluegill “Before I know what’s happening I’m pounding my way across the deck, ready to leap into the water. We had just hired a new deckhand, Bobby. He was a hare quicker than me. The second that boy hit the water those kids were on him, tearing him to shreds with their razor sharp fangs. Kids these days...” 

Bluegill attended multiple school board meetings this past week in a desperate attempt to get parents to discipline their children. The response he received from the community was not what he had hoped for. 

“If we took the advice of every ghost eyed old man in a rain slicker, coming in here telling tales of the horrors of the deep. We’d never get anything done.” Said President of the P.T.A. Linda Jackson. “Who is he to tell me how to raise my child? When I was my daughter's age I was tipping over whole Carnival Cruise Ships. If she wants to lure a few weak willed sailors to a watery grave, who am I to tell her no.” 

Receiving no help from the local community. Bluegill has been forced to eat the costs to his company and update his on deck safety procedures. 

“Not only am I still recovering the costs of my first four boats.” Said Bluegill “But now my budget for coarse rope and ear wax is through the roof!” Bluegill then clarified “That’s wax for your ears not wax from your ears.” 

At press time, Bluegill’s updated safety precautions have led to a steep drop in deck hand mortality on his vessel. Without any weak willed souls to devour, local children quickly lost interest, and within days went back to organizing teen takeovers of the Chicago downtown area.