New Big Buck Hunter Mandates You Use Every Part of the Animal

BOWLING ALLEY ARCADE  — Fans of Big Buck Hunter were excited to hear the announcement of the newest addition to the franchise. Founder of Play Mechanix George Petro attended the launch held at Waveland Bowl last Friday to deliver the announcement in person that, “The New Big Buck Hunter Mandates You Use Every Part of the Animal”. 

“That’s right, I know you thought we couldn’t top our last game Ultimate Trophy, and you’d be right. That was one hell of a game." said Petro, "But after making it, we had to take a step back and look at our body of work. Nearly all of our games focus on trophy hunting, the practice of killing an animal solely for the sake of the hunt. We took a hard look at ourselves and decided to end the pointless slaughter of digital creatures. That’s why in the new Big Buck Hunter: Survival, players will be forced to gut, clean, and make use of everything they kill.” 

Fans at the launch itself were skeptical about the new game. Senseless killing and skinny women in bikinis have been a staple of the series since its conception. But after Mr. Petro confirmed that the game will still heavily feature women in camouflage bikinis; tentative fans like Rick were a little more on board. 

“Well I’ve been coming down to this alley for league night every other week for the past eight years. In between games I used to go out and smoke in the parking lot, that is until Shelly went up and caught pregnant. I knew I had to quit the damn things, and that’s when I discovered Big Buck Hunter. While it’s not the same feeling as shooting a real deer in the head with a shotgun, it’s enough to keep my mind off a cigarette in between games.” 

“When I found out they were going to add a bunch of stuff to the game that wasn’t shooting and looking at tits I had my doubts. But after playing the demo they had in the arcade I was sold. Some of my fondest memories with my daddy are of the two of us shooting a deer, and cutting it up from the butthole and down over the stomach, pounds of guts just dumping into the bucket. It’s nice to think that even if my son can’t get out to the woods, we can have a similar experience right here.” 

General feedback for the game is a mixed bag. Some enthusiasts love the change and are already looking forward to a game that is solely butchering the animal. Others are demanding the game go in the opposite direction and add animations where the player leaves the wounded animal bleeding out in a field. 

At press time, Play Mechanix is halting production on the new game after backlash from animal rights group PETA. Representatives from the group stating the game glamorizes the brutalization of animals and doesn’t show nearly enough tit. Developers at Play Mechanix have gone back to work and hope to have an updated version ready in time for hunting season.