Spirit to Offer Plane as Refund

DIANA BEACH, FL — Spirit Airlines surprised the nation last Saturday after announcing they were shutting down all operations immediately. Leaving passengers who booked tickets with the airline stranded, and workers out of the job. The airline assured passengers they would be refunded the full price of their ticket. But after a bankruptcy hearing on Tuesday, former CEO Dave Davis offered customers a different form of compensation. 

“Just take a fucking Plane. We at Spirit know that our abrupt cessation of service left many travelers out in the cold. However if you’re feeling confident, why not just try and fly home yourself in your very own Airbus A320.” 

Accountants at Spirit discovered that offloading their entire fleet would actually lose them upwards of 15 million dollars. As no other airline world wide would accept the Planes in their current condition. 

“These planes are worth less than the duct tape holding them together,” said head of accounting Gary Todd. “Ignoring the major mechanical issues, nobody wants to bother repainting a bright yellow plane. Even then, the worst thing is the smell. We’re not sure what it is or where it’s coming from. But goddamn, some of these planes aren’t even safe to enter.” 

Not wanting to deal with the headache of refurbishing and selling these planes to accredited airlines. Spirit has cleverly decided to kill two birds with one stone. As CEO Dave Davis said in a press briefing. 

“We’ve got a bunch of angry stranded customers, and we’ve got a bunch of planes that no other airline wants to touch. So our new mission here at Spirit has become to offer as little actual financial compensation to our former customers as possible. Every sucker we get to take one of these planes off our hands, is more money in our pocket and more untrained civilians in the sky. We can think of no better tribute to our company.” 

While some customers have wised up and are still waiting for a cash refund. Other, more whimsical patrons have taken Davis’s deal. Like Kentucky man Henry Rolph, who in lieu of a cash refund for his $40 ticket to Orlando, chose to take the plane. 

“Shit, I must’ve seen that movie Sully about half a dozen times. About that dumbass who crashed in the Hudson. I figure I just do the opposite of that, and I should be alright up there. I was already expecting a shit ton of delays, so even if I get a little lost in the sky I’ll be getting home quicker than I was expecting.

At press time, Spirit has unloaded about half of their fleet to the general public. Aviation experts anticipated a major spike in aviation disasters. However not a single civilian piloting a former Spirit plane has crashed. Civilians like Henry have called the process "Surprisingly intuitive” and said “Yeah these pilots have really been over exaggerating the difficulty of all this. You only need like four of the buttons in here”