Child Left at Mall Tossed on Heap With the Rest

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Young Bobby Winehouse was unceremoniously tossed onto a festering heap of other forgotten children after being left at Woodfield Mall on Thursday, mall security reports.

“In cases like this, we have very a very simple procedure we follow.” said Woodfield Security Guard Matt Powell, “First, of course, we fill out an incident report. Once the paper work’s done, we add ‘em to the pile. If the kid remember a parent’s phone number we may give them a call, but most of the time the parents don’t pick up; so onto the heap they go.”

Some parents were concerned about the heap, and how it may affect their mall experience.

“I don’t so much have an issue with the existence of the heap.” said local mother Dana Ghaudry. “I’m more concerned that it takes up to much space. Some genius had the idea to put the damn thing in the middle of the parking lot, and it’s now grown to take up four spaces. And these are prime spaces. You’d think they could at least move the heap to the back of the lot. Plus it’s just an unnecessary eyesore on my way into Macy’s.”

Mall management was quick to defend the pile, denying any possibility of modifications to the pile’s size or location.

“Frankly, we plan to leave the heap right where it’s at.” said General Manager Marcus Crawley, “It just makes the most sense. We keep it right in front of the mall, so parents can see the heap on their way onto the premises. They might see a child they’ve left behind, or one they’d like to adopt, at which point they’re free to take their child from the heap, or not. Whatever they’d like.”

At press time, the heap has become quite the tourist attraction, drawing fans from all over the Chicagoland area.