Cruelty-Free Lipstick Just Not the Same Shade of Red

WALGREENS — Patty Dresgo was devastated this last Monday when, after going to her local corner store, she found they no longer carried her favorite Cruelty-Full Blood Red Lipstick. Enraged, she detailed the full situation to the cashier.

“Every year I get one day where I can feel like a goddamn princess, My Birthday! Nothing screams sexy princess like lipstick the same color as the blood of the innocent. I need this lipstick. I don’t know what the extra cruelty does for the color but the other varieties just can’t get that same shade”

Patty celebrates her birthday the same way every year. With a pack of Newport’s, a handle of Johnny Walker, and a fresh container of her favorite blood-red lipstick.

“It’s the only way for me to celebrate last year and welcome the year to come. As I’m sitting on the corner, my lips stained like I’ve just torn the throat of a gazelle, smoking a Newport, and sippin' some JW. The world just slows down and gives a gal some time to reflect.”

After berating the cashier for nearly an hour, police were called to the scene. A minor altercation ensued and Patty was promptly arrested. While attempting to wrestle her into the cruiser, Patty was able to bite the ear off of one of the officers. After seeing her mug shot Patty gave this statement.

“THIS IS EVEN BETTER. Before, the shade I had was just the blood of some random innocent. But this! This is the blood of the guilty taken in retribution for their crimes. It is the color of vindication. I will continue to wear it on my lips as a badge of honor.”

At press time, Patty is set to do fifteen years in county lockup with the possibility of parole after five years served. However, due to her continued search for “blood stained with crimes against her fellow man” her sentence is likely to be extended.