Ford Safety Feature Automatically Cleans Pedestrians Out of Grill

DEARBORN, Mich. — In response to growing safety concerns surrounding their oversized pickup trucks, Ford Motor Company unveiled a new safety feature last week that promises to rid drivers of any petty worries surrounding pedestrians on the road, a spokesperson for the company reports.

"We here at Ford are constantly looking for ways to make the roads a safer, more carefree space for drivers and drivers alone," said Ford's Director of Consumer Safety Maddigan Criss. "And we have heard time and time again that one of the biggest safety concerns for our customers is not being able to see pedestrians in the road, and we understand these worries. Fortunately, we've found a solution."

Ford drivers have already begun to shower praise on the company's latest move, as evidenced by local driver Paul McKenney.

"In 2023, I hit three different pedestrians while driving my Super Duty to work, and each time was extremely traumatic for everyone involved." said McKenney, 51. "From repairing damage to the vehicle to cleaning blood and viscera out of every corner under the hood, the whole thing damn near drove me mad. I was about ready to swear off Ford's altogether. But this new safety feature... Well, this just shows once again that Ford really does listen to customers, and they care about keeping us safe and accident-free. Or, at the very least, accident-negligent."

Not everyone is psyched about the announcement, however, as explained by local pedestrian Kylie Haywood.

"This is terrible!" said Haywood, who hasn't left her apartment in 3 days. "Six people were hit on my block just this morning! The confidence this bone-headed decision is giving drivers is astonishing. For any company to do something like this demonstrates complete disregard for any kind of safety or accountability whatsoever."

At press-time, Ford is working on a feature that beeps softly to let drivers know once they've collided with 10 or more passersby.