Fridge More Mold Than Produce

GARY, IN — 27 Year Old Joseph Clyburn is a busy guy. When he’s not working his menial job at a local ad agency, he’s spending time with his girlfriend, 30 Year Old Marrisa Gardner. So it’s no surprise that for Joseph, home cooked meals are few and far between. But Joseph was especially surprised this last Tuesday when, after looking in the fridge for the first time all month, he noticed that it had become more mold than produce. Joseph gave this statement while Biohazard crews were setting fire to his apartment.

“I guess that’s what happens when you shop at Trader Joe’s.” Said Joseph attempting to hide his embarrassment. “It’s fresher stuff but that means it goes bad quick. Usually I just end up throwing out half of what I buy, but I guess this time it got a little out of hand.”

After passing out during his initial inspection of the fridge, Joseph surmised this was a job best left to professionals. He called Biohazard Management Specialist Sally Depner. Despite nearly two decades on the job, Sally was still caught off guard.

“When we opened the fridge it fizzed like a soda can. That was a first. I’ve seen some pretty gruesome stuff in my day. But what we observed in that fridge was something alien. This man inadvertently created a new ecosystem contained in that Samsung fridge. That in and of itself was horrifying. But what we saw was an entire ecosystem left to rot. I can’t see anyone safely living within 10 miles of this place for the next thousand years.”

The entire apartment building and the surrounding area were quickly evacuated. The threat to human health and safety being categorized as “on par” with the Chernobyl nuclear disaster. Initial attempts to burn the building were halted as spores were observed being released into the atmosphere. Fear that whatever abomination brought to life in Joseph’s fridge could spread led city officials to encase the entire building in 15 feet of concrete.

At press time, Joseph is being tried for criminal negligence as well as crimes against the environment. He has lost both his job and his girlfriend. His only wish now is to make peace with his god and die.