Insurance Adjuster Confident You Made Up 'Insulin'

EDEN CREEK, Minn. – Local United Healthcare adjuster Tom Warner was absolutely baffled last week after hearing you dare request coverage for something you called “insulin,” claims-processing sources report.

“I understand that your doctor prescribed it and you’ve taken it your entire life,” Warner shouted into a telephone, “It’s just I never heard of no damn… what’s it called? Instagram? This just really doesn’t seem like the kind of thing that your health insurance needs to be involved with. Seems like bad news.”

Some United Healthcare customers were quick to point out that this isn’t the first time Werner has been hostile regarding life-saving medicine.

I submitted a claim for my insurance to cover my epinephrine,” said policyholder Janine Lereaux, “but when I talked to Tom he called me a liar. He said he’d never heard of “epic zeppelin” but that I needed to stop bothering United Healthcare with my “provincial concerns.”

United Healthcare was quick to defend and contextualize Warner’s actions, as explained by United Healthcare Claims Auditor Jessie Wylde.

“Adjusters like Warner have a duty to scrutinize every claim through a microscope.” said Wylde. “It doesn’t matter how benign or necessary a claim may seem. We know our customers put a lot of money and trust into our company, so we want to make it as inconvenient as possible for them to access their benefits, and that work pays off. At this time, we believe that many customers are likely using big words like ‘insulin’ to confuse claims adjusters and mask less-essential medical services.”

At press time, your insurance adjuster is vehemently denying the existence of “Crohn’s Disease.”