Retail Job Application Enters Third Hour

HARRIS COUNTY, Tx. — Following months of searching for a job that might actually pay a living wage, local woman Tracy Paulson is now entering the third hour of her application for a local Target, desperate sources confirm.

“It started out simple enough,” said Paulson, 23. “Resumé, cover letter, the usual rigamarole. But then, things took a turn. They started asking me to type out my experience, my education, my contact info; you know, things you could easily find on the resumé I uploaded.Then they start asking me all these weird questions about my personality and leadership qualities which, I would argue, one could easily glean from my sterling cover letter. Now they’ve got me responding to specific scenarios that may occur during my time on the job. I’m beginning to think that either Target has become a lot more cutthroat, or something has gone very, very wrong.”

The listing in question, advertising the highly sought-after “crew member” position, has already garnered over 6,000 applicants. Though some of these applicants seem more prepared for the task than others.

“Love it or hate it, it’s the grind,” said local high-schooler and author of over 700 Indeed applications Travis Pourre. “If you wanna get a job online nowadays, you gotta work for it. Every online application is a complex battle of will meant to weed out the weak and uninspired. When I hear ‘Ohhh this is way too long. It shouldn’t be like this,’ you know what

I think? Just another boomer too lazy to sweat a little.”

However, Pourre is far from the only one who sees an opportunity in this broken system unfit to serve an oversaturated, poverty-stricken market,

“I don’t even need a job anymore; the applications are my job.” said self-proclaimed “Application King” Josh Summers. “Nobody wants to fill out all these fuckin’ questionaires, so they send me the link and all of their relevant information, and they pay me to fill out the app. It’s mad lucrative. I’m making 10K a week writing these things, and everybody I know is getting jobs. Rising tides, man.”

At press time, Target would like you to enter your references again, because they didn’t quite get it the first ten times.