Pigeon Forge, Tenn. -- "Do you hear that? That noise is back." reported local man Nathan Gutierrez Monday night. Despite reporters not being able to hear anything out of the ordinary, Nathan attempted to describe the nuisance. "You don't hear that? It's like a hum," said Gutierrez, 26. "Or maybe like a buzzing? Yeah it's like a buzzing noise, but high-pitched. You guys seriously can't hear that? You've gotta be kidding me. It's so loud. What is that?" Gutierrez further explai

STATEN ISLAND — Local mother Constance Holeman was stunned last Tuesday after a parent teacher conference at Richmond Middle School. According to teachers, Holeman's eleven-year-old son Aran was deemed functionally Illiterate. “I was thrilled!” Said Holeman, “I was worried for a while that my baby boy was just going to be another nobody, but his teachers told me that due to his record-low reading comprehension scores he’s being moved straight to the school's 'Influencer tra

CLEVELAND 一 Tensions have reportedly escalated at the home of Chicago native Thomas Bergman as he and his cat, Pancake, disagree about the fundamental nature of his W2 Tax Form, sources confirm. “I could tell it piqued his interest from the second I opened it. At first, I thought he was just taking more of a hands-on-the-wheel approach to the household’s finances,” Bergman recalled. “But the second I left the room, I heard all kinds of commotion coming from the kitchen table.

EDEN CREEK, Minn. – Local United Healthcare adjuster Tom Warner was absolutely baffled last week after hearing you dare request coverage for something you called “insulin,” claims-processing sources report. “I understand that your doctor prescribed it and you’ve taken it your entire life,” Warner shouted into a telephone, “It’s just I never heard of no damn… what’s it called? Instagram? This just really doesn’t seem like the kind of thing that your health insurance needs to b

ANDERSONVILLE — Last Sunday at Chicago Paint and Spirits, Linda Holden and her group of girlfriends attended a Paint and Sip event. The squad, who refer to themselves as Josie and the Pussygyatts, had attended many events at this establishment without incident. But this time they had apparently taken one sip too many. Owner of the business Ms. Martha Foss detailed the events of the evening to reporters. “We’ve been seeing the Pussygyatts come in monthly for almost a year now

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Young Bobby Winehouse was unceremoniously tossed onto a festering heap of other forgotten children after being left at Woodfield Mall on Thursday, mall security reports. “In cases like this, we have very a very simple procedure we follow.” said Woodfield Security Guard Matt Powell, “First, of course, we fill out an incident report. Once the paper work’s done, we add ‘em to the pile. If the kid remember a parent’s phone number we may give them a call, but most

ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Trevor Collins started the morning of February 7th the way he did most mornings. A shower, a shave, and sitting down to breakfast while scrolling through the morning news. Trevor, like very few Americans, likes to stay current on world news. It was then when Trevor read a rather troubling headline, but before he could put down his croissant, he found the article was safely hidden behind a paywall. “My morning was this close to being ruined, this close.” It

HAROLD WASHINGTON LIBRARY — Valentines Day can be a stressful time of year. For many a day of great expectation and shattering disappointment. But regardless of how meager your own holiday has turned out, local boyfriend Justin Daily totally nailed it this year. “I love my girlfriend Maggie, we’ve been seeing each other for a while and I knew that this year I just had to do something special. That’s why I woke up super early the day before and started planning for Valentines

FRANKLIN COUNTY, Ind. -- Former high school quarterback James Bahl "totally could have gone pro" if not for a career-ending interest in the law, bar-certified sources confirm. "I remember just before my senior season started. I was eighteen, and I had just been called to jury duty for the first time." said Bahl, "I remember sitting in that jury box, watching the attorneys fight for their clients. I thought, 'hey I could do that, and I wouldn't need to get hit in the head ever

BOWLING ALLEY ARCADE — Fans of Big Buck Hunter were excited to hear the announcement of the newest addition to the franchise. Founder of Play Mechanix George Petro attended the launch held at Waveland Bowl last Friday to deliver the announcement in person that, “The New Big Buck Hunter Mandates You Use Every Part of the Animal”. “That’s right, I know you thought we couldn’t top our last game Ultimate Trophy, and you’d be right. That was one hell of a game." said Petro, "But

SCHAUMBURG IL — “Yeah this whole section is going to have to be redone,” Said Foreman Mike Limbazo, shaking his head at pop star Sabrina Carpenter. After several grueling months on tour, Sabrina Carpenter told press she looked forward to devoting more time to her namesake and true passion, carpentry. But after landing a framing job with a local company Ms. Carpenter quickly received some stark criticism. “You forgot a header over this window opening, so there’s no world wher

LOS ANGELES — 32 Year Old Eddie Osborne was devastated this past weekend, when after a romantic evening with his girlfriend panic started to set in. Despite the perfect day with the perfect woman, staring at a seaside sunset all Eddie was able to think of was the oncoming darkness. Eddie later recounted the evening saying. “It was a bit of a mood killer as you might imagine. One minute we’re sitting there and it’s a beautiful afternoon at the beach. Then out of fucking nowh

CHICAGO — December 17th started the same as any other day, at the residence of Walter Higgins and Thomas Gallagher. But unfortunately for Mr. Gallagher Wednesday was cleaning day. While doing the dishes Mr. Higgins found something that pushed him over the edge. The last of his pristine tupperware sitting in the sink, caked in tomato sauce. Mr. Higgins said this in his statement to the police. “It was my last, mother fucking one god dam it. I had a clean full set when I moved

BOISE, Idaho – Amidst ballooning mortgage costs and the looming threat of another recession, cash-strapped pets in Idaho and across the United States have all but given up hope on the prospect of homeowning, quadripedal sources confirm. “The market really is ruff [sic] right now, especially for younger pets.” said Luna, a local Pekingese. “With so many pets struggling to make ends meet as it is, home ownership is the last thing on our minds. So for now, we’re stuck in this he

FORT WORTH, TX — 14 Year Old Riley Jackson had heard about the cuts to school spending across the country. But having attended school online for the past three years, Riley assumed that he would be unaffected. This rapidly proved not to be the case as Riley’s Mother/Principal would tell you. “We run a pretty tight ship here at Jackson Family Education. Our student body is currently a single student. You would think with class sizes this small we would be able to stretch our