LAKE MICHIGAN — Wisconsin Fisherman Jake Bluegill has run his small commercial fishing business for nearly two decades. However, after losing his fourth vessel on Monday to local children playing mermaids, Jake is on the brink of financial ruin. Jake detailed the situation after being rescued by the coast guard. “I’ve got nothing against kids going outside and playing games. Heck, you don't see it enough these days. But this has become something else altogether. The game the

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — Local woman Annie LaSalle was shocked during a routine psychiatry appointment last week when her psychiatrist of three years, Dr. Leslie Eckert, prescribed LaSalle no less than three hours of scrolling, to be undertaken twice per day. “I mean, it sounded odd at first, but I guess she’s the doctor,” said LaSalle, who has struggled with General Anxiety Disorder since she was a teen. “If she thinks that firing up Instagram and burning through maybe 300, 400 re

NEW YORK — “Super Mario Galaxy” star Chris Pratt found himself unusually speechless during an appearance on The Today Show last week after being asked just why God created the “Good Egg Galaxy.” “It… It’s an interesting question you pose,” said Pratt, following 4 straight minutes of careful thought. “I guess I would say the ‘why?’ of it all is silly to focus on. The Almighty often does things for reasons we cannot hope to understand. All we can do is trust His plan and someti

WASHINGTON, DC — “Have you done your Tax Return?” asks IRS Commissioner Scott Bessent, holding a GLOCK-19 to your temple. With the April 15th deadline fast approaching, Scott Bessent wants to remind everyone “who the fuck is in charge." Bessent further threatened press saying, “You think you can fuck with us? You think your punk ass can open up a new small business and make more than you originally estimated for the fiscal year. ROTT IN HELL YOU DUMB FUCK. Give us everything

HARRIS COUNTY, Tx. — Following months of searching for a job that might actually pay a living wage, local woman Tracy Paulson is now entering the third hour of her application for a local Target, desperate sources confirm. “It started out simple enough,” said Paulson, 23. “Resumé, cover letter, the usual rigamarole. But then, things took a turn. They started asking me to type out my experience, my education, my contact info; you know, things you could easily find on the resum

SPACE — This week, four Astronauts made history in NASA’s first trip back to the moon since Apollo 17. Among other things, this mission planned to have astronauts circle the far side of the moon and set a new record for the furthest distance ever traveled from our planet. While taking approximately 10,000 photos during their lunar fly by, astronauts noticed something strange on the lunar surface. A man sitting unsuited on the lunar surface having a picnic with his dog. Comma

WHITE HOUSE — As the war in Iran continues, Iranian State Media has taken to social media with Lego themed AI videos. Up until yesterday these videos were seen as harmless good natured ribbing. But then Iranian State Media took it one step too far. After the usual cracks at foreign policy, Lego effigies of the nation's leaders threatened to deploy The Masters of Spinjitzu. President Trump responded within minutes on Truth Social. “THESE CRAZY BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This year, I had the unfortunate privilege of securing a press pass to the 2026 White House Easter Egg Roll. I had never possessed any intention of actually attending the event, but mushroom chocolates have a way of taking you to unexpected places. While the celebration was overall very entertaining, the evening presented one challenge that I could’ve done without. I was, in a word, deeply disturbed by the official White House Easter Bunny’s incessant requests to see my paper

WALGREENS — Patty Dresgo was devastated this last Monday when, after going to her local corner store, she found they no longer carried her favorite Cruelty-Full Blood Red Lipstick. Enraged, she detailed the full situation to the cashier. “Every year I get one day where I can feel like a goddamn princess, My Birthday! Nothing screams sexy princess like lipstick the same color as the blood of the innocent. I need this lipstick. I don’t know what the extra cruelty does for the c

GARY, IN — 27 Year Old Joseph Clyburn is a busy guy. When he’s not working his menial job at a local ad agency, he’s spending time with his girlfriend, 30 Year Old Marrisa Gardner. So it’s no surprise that for Joseph, home cooked meals are few and far between. But Joseph was especially surprised this last Tuesday when, after looking in the fridge for the first time all month, he noticed that it had become more mold than produce. Joseph gave this statement while Biohazard crew

CAIRO, Egypt — The Judeo-Christian God revealed a first-look teaser for his upcoming divine plague/epic prank during a press conference ahead of April Fool's Day. "It's going to be incredible ," The Almighty told local reporters. "As devout followers will know, every year I play a huge prank on the Pharoah, and this year I think I've finally found it. My magnum opus. It's simple: I am going to kill every first-born child and animal in every home." Humans were understandably r

DEARBORN, Mich. — In response to growing safety concerns surrounding their oversized pickup trucks, Ford Motor Company unveiled a new safety feature last week that promises to rid drivers of any petty worries surrounding pedestrians on the road, a spokesperson for the company reports. "We here at Ford are constantly looking for ways to make the roads a safer, more carefree space for drivers and drivers alone," said Ford's Director of Consumer Safety Maddigan Criss. "And we ha

CLEVELAND, OH — 33-year-old Helen Postly was admitted to the maternity ward at Jefferson Community Hospital late last Monday. Her husband, Kevin Postly couldn’t have been more thrilled. But not for reasons you might expect, as Kevin explained to press in between his wife’s contractions. “This is going to be a huge turning point in my professional career. I’m a juggler by trade. While the birth of my first two children was of course life changing, I’m going to be able to do wa

DALLAS, TX — Wait times at airports hit astronomical highs last weekend due to the ongoing shortage of TSA agents willing to work for free. The government was forced to reallocate some resources, as Texas Governor Greg Abott explained to the press. “We said, 'Okay. These lazy fucks won’t work for free. So who do we know that’ll give people invasive pat downs and search their shit, just for the love of the game?' Then it hit me, ICE!!!” But the Immigration and Customs Enforc

CHICAGO — McDonald's has partnered with US Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for the brand-new limited-time "RFK Jr. Measles & McNuggets Meal," a spokesperson for the company reports. "Honestly, we're just trying shit with these crossover meals." said McDonald's VP of Marketing Michelle Peters. "I mean we never in a million years thought [Secretary Kennedy] would actually agree to it. Like, what? But we were having some drinks, just pitching anythin

WEST LINN, Ore. — What could have been an extremely awkward encounter turned out to be a unique bonding opportunity for the family of local man Gil Montgomery, who finally admitted to having a secret second family... that also loves playing miniature wargame Warhammer 40K. "Yeah, you know, I was pretty shocked when we found out Dad was hiding a second family from us for our entire lives," said daughter Chloe Montgomery, 14. "At first I was pissed but then I saw the Imperium f

GLENWOOD TAVERN, CHICAGO — Like many bars within the Chicago area, Glenwood Tavern has become a staple of its neighborhood. The space gained notoriety for their craft cocktails and especially for their pool table. On any given day during the week, if you were to look at the pool table, all challengers would likely be playing a single man. Local Pool Shark Cliff Finley is yet to be defeated within the walls of The Glenwood. But despite his cool and calm demeanor on the table.

PINE BLUFF, Ark. — A true stand-out player in the Pine Bluff Community Center Men's Recreational League, local shooting guard Derek Sawyer, 36, has reportedly never lost a game to 4-time NBA Most Valuable Player Lebron James of the Los Angeles Lakers. "What can I say?" posited Sawyer while pump-faking an imaginary defender, "I never lose. Never. Especially to LeBron. How many people can really say that? Everybody hypes LeBron as a legend, a titan of the game, but he's never b

CHICAGO — 28 Year-Old Vince Gaffigan was out jogging along the lakefront last Wednesday, when something unusual happened. Overcome by the “Call of the Lake” Vince’s jog took a sharp turn into the water. His Wife and Jogging Partner Becky Flanigan detailed the situation to police. “We were just jogging like usual. Then next thing I know Vince is diving headfirst into the water and surrendering to the current, Ophelia style. I will say he often looked out over the lake with a

SHEPHERDSVILLE, Ky. — Amidst a bundle of grocery store ads, insurance scams, and flyers from internet service providers, one piece of mail in particular, sent from the so-called "Selective Service System", stuck out to local man John Passinissi, sources in denial report. "I mean it can't be real, right?" said Passinissi, pausing intermittently to stare at nothing. "It's gotta be spam... right? It has to be... It-- I get so much mail claiming this, that, or the other, but it's