LAS VEGAS, NV — This Memorial Day Weekend was special for a number of reasons. In addition to the long weekend spent in honor of our fallen military members, last Sunday was also host to The Enhanced Games. The multi-sport event/supplement ad, was intended to showcase what athletes could accomplish with the help of steroids and other performance enhancers typically banned across traditional athletic competitions. In an attempt to draw a parallel to The Olympics, The Enhanced

A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY - LA Lakers star LeBron James has informed the team that he will be spending his offseason in the Dagobah System to train with long-time mentor Yoda. “Look, man. I’m 42. Last time I went out there was the summer before my first MVP. [I’m] looking forward to getting back with Yoda, getting back in touch with the Force, things of that nature” James commented. “Whatever I can do to extend my playing career, I’m gonna do it. Whether that’s force-lifting an

COLUMBIA COLLEGE CHICAGO - “Prison has rules, work has rules, government has rules. Poetry only listens to emotion as its ruler. It knows no god, serves no master, obeys no command. Know thy pen, understand the paper, and let the poetry do the rest.” Professor Gianmarco explained to his class of undergraduate English majors. Amidst the flamboyant teaching, Mike Walmak, a freshman, was scribbling away with his head down in his journal. “Mr. Walmak is there something more inter

This reviewer, like many readers. Takes a passing interest in those few books every year, chosen for the honor of the Pulitzer Prize. Past winners include such amazing books as, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Grapes of Wrath, and A Confederacy of Dunces. None of which may mind you has this reviewer read. So you can imagine my surprise when this year's winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction was a horror novel titled Angel Down. A novel which we all naturally assumed, was about a

JORDAN, Mont. — Local Proud Boy and Capitol insurrectionist Kevin Lawrence may finally have the means to become the Aggravated Arsonist he’s always dreamed of being, thanks to the Justice Department’s creation of a $1.776 billion dollar “Anti-Weaponization Fund”, sources dangerously close to kerosene report. “I just can’t believe it’s finally happening,” a teary-eyed Lawrence told reporters Monday night. “It feels like a dream come true, it really does. I had a feeling I was

CHICAGO, IL — 24 year-old Evan Gibbons owes a lot to his mother, 58 year-old Debbie Gibbons. From giving him rides to soccer practice, to sending him to college. Debbie has been what many would call the perfect mother, and Evan agrees. Wanting to show his appreciation Evan was eager to get the perfect gift for mothers day. After a painstaking selection process the perfect gift finally arrived this Friday, only for Evan to discover that mothers day was last week. Confused and

BOONE, N.C. — Appalachian State University Commencement Announcer Rachel Decatur made waves during last weekend’s College of Arts and Sciences Commencement Ceremony. According to eyewitnesses, Decatur stumbled courageously and gracelessly through the names of every white student in attendance. “What can I say? I’m all about equality”, said Decatur, 43. “Every year, so many students of color are forced to face that embarrassing moment when some hick professor makes an absolute

OMAHA, NE — The MV Hondius is finally making its way back home to the Netherlands after a Hantavirus outbreak within the vessel resulted in multiple casualties. Sixteen of the eighteen passengers transferred to the U.S. arrived in Omaha and were quickly shuttled to the University of Nebraska Medical Center (UNMC). Of those sixteen within the facility only one patient has currently tested positive for Hantavirus. However after further medical testing, nearly all of the passeng

HONG KONG — Local child and full-time iPhone manufacturer Mei Song apologized deeply to Apple customers last week, stating she was “immeasurably sorry” that the iPhone 17 is not quite as fast as users hoped, overworked sources report. “My heart goes out to every valued customer who was affected by these performance issues,” said Song, 9. “Quality Control is integral to our operations here at the shop, but sometimes, even we make mistakes. We love the work we do, but we work l

AMAZON WAREHOUSE (DFX5) — Workers at Illinois Amazon Warehouse (DFX5) were shocked last payday to find Amazon was no longer offering compensation in the form of the U.S. Dollar. Instead offering employees compensation in the form of Scrip or Company Money, that they are able to redeem exclusively through Amazon Prime. An anonymous Packer from within the facility gave this statement to press. “How am I supposed to pay my rent in Amazon gift cards? I tried to sell my landlord

EVANSTON, IL — Dozens of children were left traumatized after an incident at a Sky Zone trampoline park this Wednesday. Eyewitnesses confirmed that after buying a wristband and donning his orange socks, 28 year-old Brandon Chastane jumped headfirst into the foam pit. After several minutes without surfacing, Sky Zone employee Jeremy Renolyds performed an emergency rescue. Later giving this statement to press. “You could tell something was off the second he walked in. We work

NEW YORK — Former New York City Mayor entered a bed-bound frenzy last night after failing to deduce which nurse in his hospital room is secretly Borat, intubated sources confirm. “Don’t think you can just pull a fast one over on me, I’m America’s mayor!” shouted a manic Giuliani in between doses of Ativan. “I know a setup when I see one. I knew it in that damn hotel room, and I know it now! Any minute now, when I’m at my most vulnerable, some sicko wearing lingerie is going t

DIANA BEACH, FL — Spirit Airlines surprised the nation last Saturday after announcing they were shutting down all operations immediately. Leaving passengers who booked tickets with the airline stranded, and workers out of the job. The airline assured passengers they would be refunded the full price of their ticket. But after a bankruptcy hearing on Tuesday, former CEO Dave Davis offered customers a different form of compensation. “Just take a fucking Plane. We at Spirit know

SOMEWHERE IN NEW ENGLAND – ¡La familia no podía creerlo! “The same day!”, gritó el joven de la familia, Micheal Taylor, cuando leyó el calendario en preparación para la siguiente semana. Inmediatamente le contó a la familia entera, se reporta diciendo. Elizabeth Windell, su mamá; Tyler Taylor, su papá; y, Robert Taylor, su hermano; todos pararon lo que estaban haciendo y se juntaron en la sala. La última vez que estuvieron juntos así fue antes de él divorcio, nos contó el abo

Dayton, OH — 26 year-old Douglas Nash has been living at home, while he plans out his next few career moves. After repeated altercations between Nash and his parents over the cleanliness of his living space, Nash was ready to pack it up and live in his car. But then a miracle took place, as Nash later told press. “I had absolutely had it with my folks. They were non-stop on my case saying, clean this, pick up that. I was ready to pack it up and head for Disney’s Celebration

TRENTON, NJ — Last month, the Trenton PD’s brand-new K-9 unit hit the streets, marking the first deployment of police dogs in the city’s history. The dogs have been assisting the local police force in routine duties across the city. The dogs, as they report, have been “extremely proud” to join the fight to uphold the Thin Grey Line between order and chaos. “We're ecstatic to finally be joining the Boys in Grey here in Trenton.” said officer Rex, a loose-cannon English Greyho

WASHINGTON — Anyone in D.C. this past weekend looking to reflect on the state of the nation, had to do so without the aid of the iconic Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. As part of an effort by President Trump to distract from literally everything he has ever done and is still doing. The President has started a number of construction projects across the D.C. area, with the aim of making the capital a better representation of our nation as a whole. “And what color best repres

After opening last weekend to an astonishing $219M at the box office, the Michael movie, which recounts the life and struggle of pop star Michael Jackson, has garnered praise and criticism alike. While some commend the film’s performance and production value, many more seem to be criticizing Michael's complete disregard for the many controversies in which the King of Pop became embroiled throughout his tumultuous life. However, as I trod home after seeing the controversial pi

HILTON, WASHINGTON D.C. — The 2026 White House Correspondents’ Dinner was interrupted and later canceled last Saturday, due to an incident involving gunfire outside of the ballroom. Needless to say, many guests were gravely concerned about the situation. But according to some hotel staff, it may have been a blessing in disguise. “It’s probably for the best” Said Head Chef for the Hilton Gregory Fitzgerald. “Before the dinner my sous comes over and shows me a catering pan ful

DAVE & BUSTERS — 28-year-old Harold Foster prides himself on being the perfect boyfriend. He goes out of his way whenever he can to let his girlfriend (29-year-old Margret Robin) know just how special she is to him. But as Margret found out Friday, while the couple was spending an evening at Dave & Busters. There are some tropes that even Harold can’t live up to. Harold Elaborated to press who were waiting patiently in line for Jurassic Park Arcade. “THE CLAW HAS GOT TO BE R