ARBY’S KITCHEN -- Last night, amidst the final stretch of the midnight drive-thru dinner rush, experienced line cook Jeff proposed the staff engage in a discussion of global conflicts to make the work fly by.  Rookie cashier Luis Fonz chimed into the conversation shouting, “Oh yeah, what’s happening in Sudan right now is crazy dude, glad the RSF is protecting the communities and citizens that really matter, finally some half decent change is happening around there.” He said w

Pigeon Forge, Tenn. -- "Do you hear that? That noise is back." reported local man Nathan Gutierrez Monday night. Despite reporters not being able to hear anything out of the ordinary, Nathan attempted to describe the nuisance. "You don't hear that? It's like a hum," said Gutierrez, 26. "Or maybe like a buzzing? Yeah it's like a buzzing noise, but high-pitched. You guys seriously can't hear that? You've gotta be kidding me. It's so loud. What is that?" Gutierrez further explai

WASHINGTON  — Impressed with his performance last Sunday at the BAFTA’s, President Trump insisted on booking Scottish Activist John Davidson for this year's State of the Union Address. When asked about potential war with Iran the President elaborated at length on the decision to book Davidson.  “I wasn’t watching the baftas, hate the British. Melania should have won every bafta. Not my wife, the movie, well my wife in the movie about my wife. But the next day I see all these

STATEN ISLAND  — Local mother Constance Holeman was stunned last Tuesday after a parent teacher conference at Richmond Middle School. According to teachers, Holeman's eleven-year-old son Aran was deemed functionally Illiterate.  “I was thrilled!” Said Holeman, “I was worried for a while that my baby boy was just going to be another nobody, but his teachers told me that due to his record-low reading comprehension scores he’s being moved straight to the school's 'Influencer tra

CLEVELAND 一 Tensions have reportedly escalated at the home of Chicago native Thomas Bergman as he and his cat, Pancake, disagree about the fundamental nature of his W2 Tax Form, sources confirm. “I could tell it piqued his interest from the second I opened it. At first, I thought he was just taking more of a hands-on-the-wheel approach to the household’s finances,” Bergman recalled. “But the second I left the room, I heard all kinds of commotion coming from the kitchen table.

EDEN CREEK, Minn. – Local United Healthcare adjuster Tom Warner was absolutely baffled last week after hearing you dare request coverage for something you called “insulin,” claims-processing sources report. “I understand that your doctor prescribed it and you’ve taken it your entire life,” Warner shouted into a telephone, “It’s just I never heard of no damn… what’s it called? Instagram? This just really doesn’t seem like the kind of thing that your health insurance needs to b

ANDERSONVILLE  — Last Sunday at Chicago Paint and Spirits, Linda Holden and her group of girlfriends attended a Paint and Sip event. The squad, who refer to themselves as Josie and the Pussygyatts, had attended many events at this establishment without incident. But this time they had apparently taken one sip too many. Owner of the business Ms. Martha Foss detailed the events of the evening to reporters. “We’ve been seeing the Pussygyatts come in monthly for almost a year now

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Young Bobby Winehouse was unceremoniously tossed onto a festering heap of other forgotten children after being left at Woodfield Mall on Thursday, mall security reports. “In cases like this, we have very a very simple procedure we follow.” said Woodfield Security Guard Matt Powell, “First, of course, we fill out an incident report. Once the paper work’s done, we add ‘em to the pile. If the kid remember a parent’s phone number we may give them a call, but most

ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Trevor Collins started the morning of February 7th the way he did most mornings. A shower, a shave, and sitting down to breakfast while scrolling through the morning news. Trevor, like very few Americans, likes to stay current on world news. It was then when Trevor read a rather troubling headline, but before he could put down his croissant, he found the article was safely hidden behind a paywall. “My morning was this close to being ruined, this close.”  It

WASHINGTON -- President Donald Trump made waves last weekend by signing a historic receipt from Chili's Grill & Bar just ahead of President's Day, sources close to the casual dining chain confirmed. "I hope the American people realize how unprecedented this moment is." said Secretary of Tex-Mex Joints Johnathan Schroeder, "No other President in American History has ever housed two Triple Dippers, a Sizzlin' Fajita, and a baker's dozen Margaritas of the Month. And he picked u

WASHINGTON -- Last week, Democrats in both the House and Senate held out against their Republican counterparts, demanding immediate ICE reform However, several Congressional Democrats have already confirmed that they are willing to settle for much, much less. "Obviously, we hope to finally put a stop to the atrocities being carried out by the DHS." said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, "But at the same time, diplomacy is all about compromise, and we're willing to give u

2.5 Stars. Why are they dancing? The Pats are losing.

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Philadelphia's beloved baseball mascot has made no secret of his battle with long term illness over the years. Decades of chronic substance abuse combined with generational inbreeding have taken a heavy toll on the physical and mental health of the Phanatic. After the Phanatic was admitted to the emergency room late on Sunday, the Phillies received a letter of intent from the University of Pennsylvania stating “Dibs” on the oversized muppet's carcass. Presi

FRANKLIN COUNTY, Ind. -- Former high school quarterback James Bahl "totally could have gone pro" if not for a career-ending interest in the law, bar-certified sources confirm. "I remember just before my senior season started. I was eighteen, and I had just been called to jury duty for the first time." said Bahl, "I remember sitting in that jury box, watching the attorneys fight for their clients. I thought, 'hey I could do that, and I wouldn't need to get hit in the head ever

SCHAUMBURG IL — “Yeah this whole section is going to have to be redone,” Said Foreman Mike Limbazo, shaking his head at pop star Sabrina Carpenter. After several grueling months on tour, Sabrina Carpenter told press she looked forward to devoting more time to her namesake and true passion, carpentry. But after landing a framing job with a local company Ms. Carpenter quickly received some stark criticism. “You forgot a header over this window opening, so there’s no world wher

CHICAGO — December 17th started the same as any other day, at the residence of Walter Higgins and Thomas Gallagher. But unfortunately for Mr. Gallagher Wednesday was cleaning day. While doing the dishes Mr. Higgins found something that pushed him over the edge. The last of his pristine tupperware sitting in the sink, caked in tomato sauce. Mr. Higgins said this in his statement to the police.  “It was my last, mother fucking one god dam it. I had a clean full set when I moved

BOISE, Idaho – Amidst ballooning mortgage costs and the looming threat of another recession, cash-strapped pets in Idaho and across the United States have all but given up hope on the prospect of homeowning, quadripedal sources confirm. “The market really is ruff [sic] right now, especially for younger pets.” said Luna, a local Pekingese. “With so many pets struggling to make ends meet as it is, home ownership is the last thing on our minds. So for now, we’re stuck in this he

Over the last few days, you may have seen a sly little fable the libs are passing around, alleging that our smart, healthy, capable and healthy leader, President Donald J. Trump, shit his pants during a televised press conference. I hope I do not have to tell you, good Patriotic reader, that this claim is a complete fabrication with absolutely no basis in reality. But, even if our brave Commander-in-Chief had shit himself: Who cares? For starters, Trump is far from the first

WASHINGTON – Nearly a century after the historic passing of the Fair Labor Standards Act, United States’ Federal Minimum Wage will be officially retired, according to a bill passed by Congress last week. “Recently, we’ve seen a lot of local businesses across all industries try to help consumers by offering more affordable ‘pay what you can’ options for their products and services,” explained Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “But we know a lot of employers have been strug

FORT WORTH, TX — 14 Year Old Riley Jackson had heard about the cuts to school spending across the country. But having attended school online for the past three years, Riley assumed that he would be unaffected. This rapidly proved not to be the case as Riley’s Mother/Principal would tell you.  “We run a pretty tight ship here at Jackson Family Education. Our student body is currently a single student. You would think with class sizes this small we would be able to stretch our