YOUR HOME — The Northern Hemisphere has been in spring for nearly a month now. While weather conditions vary wildly depending on your location across the country. Spring is guaranteed to bring at least one constant for everyone, Flies. Whether it’s a whole swarm or a single insect, they will find their way into your home. Which any bug will tell you is no easy feat. “My Great Great Great Great Grandfather told stories about this place, it’s amazing to finally see it with my

LAKE MICHIGAN — Wisconsin Fisherman Jake Bluegill has run his small commercial fishing business for nearly two decades. However, after losing his fourth vessel on Monday to local children playing mermaids, Jake is on the brink of financial ruin. Jake detailed the situation after being rescued by the coast guard. “I’ve got nothing against kids going outside and playing games. Heck, you don't see it enough these days. But this has become something else altogether. The game the

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — Local woman Annie LaSalle was shocked during a routine psychiatry appointment last week when her psychiatrist of three years, Dr. Leslie Eckert, prescribed LaSalle no less than three hours of scrolling, to be undertaken twice per day. “I mean, it sounded odd at first, but I guess she’s the doctor,” said LaSalle, who has struggled with General Anxiety Disorder since she was a teen. “If she thinks that firing up Instagram and burning through maybe 300, 400 re

HARRIS COUNTY, Tx. — Following months of searching for a job that might actually pay a living wage, local woman Tracy Paulson is now entering the third hour of her application for a local Target, desperate sources confirm. “It started out simple enough,” said Paulson, 23. “Resumé, cover letter, the usual rigamarole. But then, things took a turn. They started asking me to type out my experience, my education, my contact info; you know, things you could easily find on the resum

WALGREENS — Patty Dresgo was devastated this last Monday when, after going to her local corner store, she found they no longer carried her favorite Cruelty-Full Blood Red Lipstick. Enraged, she detailed the full situation to the cashier. “Every year I get one day where I can feel like a goddamn princess, My Birthday! Nothing screams sexy princess like lipstick the same color as the blood of the innocent. I need this lipstick. I don’t know what the extra cruelty does for the c

GARY, IN — 27 Year Old Joseph Clyburn is a busy guy. When he’s not working his menial job at a local ad agency, he’s spending time with his girlfriend, 30 Year Old Marrisa Gardner. So it’s no surprise that for Joseph, home cooked meals are few and far between. But Joseph was especially surprised this last Tuesday when, after looking in the fridge for the first time all month, he noticed that it had become more mold than produce. Joseph gave this statement while Biohazard crew

CAIRO, Egypt — The Judeo-Christian God revealed a first-look teaser for his upcoming divine plague/epic prank during a press conference ahead of April Fool's Day. "It's going to be incredible ," The Almighty told local reporters. "As devout followers will know, every year I play a huge prank on the Pharoah, and this year I think I've finally found it. My magnum opus. It's simple: I am going to kill every first-born child and animal in every home." Humans were understandably r

DEARBORN, Mich. — In response to growing safety concerns surrounding their oversized pickup trucks, Ford Motor Company unveiled a new safety feature last week that promises to rid drivers of any petty worries surrounding pedestrians on the road, a spokesperson for the company reports. "We here at Ford are constantly looking for ways to make the roads a safer, more carefree space for drivers and drivers alone," said Ford's Director of Consumer Safety Maddigan Criss. "And we ha

CLEVELAND, OH — 33-year-old Helen Postly was admitted to the maternity ward at Jefferson Community Hospital late last Monday. Her husband, Kevin Postly couldn’t have been more thrilled. But not for reasons you might expect, as Kevin explained to press in between his wife’s contractions. “This is going to be a huge turning point in my professional career. I’m a juggler by trade. While the birth of my first two children was of course life changing, I’m going to be able to do wa

WEST LINN, Ore. — What could have been an extremely awkward encounter turned out to be a unique bonding opportunity for the family of local man Gil Montgomery, who finally admitted to having a secret second family... that also loves playing miniature wargame Warhammer 40K. "Yeah, you know, I was pretty shocked when we found out Dad was hiding a second family from us for our entire lives," said daughter Chloe Montgomery, 14. "At first I was pissed but then I saw the Imperium f

GLENWOOD TAVERN, CHICAGO — Like many bars within the Chicago area, Glenwood Tavern has become a staple of its neighborhood. The space gained notoriety for their craft cocktails and especially for their pool table. On any given day during the week, if you were to look at the pool table, all challengers would likely be playing a single man. Local Pool Shark Cliff Finley is yet to be defeated within the walls of The Glenwood. But despite his cool and calm demeanor on the table.

SHEPHERDSVILLE, Ky. — Amidst a bundle of grocery store ads, insurance scams, and flyers from internet service providers, one piece of mail in particular, sent from the so-called "Selective Service System", stuck out to local man John Passinissi, sources in denial report. "I mean it can't be real, right?" said Passinissi, pausing intermittently to stare at nothing. "It's gotta be spam... right? It has to be... It-- I get so much mail claiming this, that, or the other, but it's

BOISE, ID — Last Tuesday in trying to keep up with recent trends online, Robert Falter lost three fingers to an 18th century Power Loom. The trend has been dubbed online as Trad Husbandry and encourages men to seek out more traditionally masculine jobs like Textile Factory Worker, or Non Union Coal Miner. Mr. Falter further detailed the trend while medical professionals attempted to salvage the remains of his hand. “Well it all started when I started seeing all these “Trad

AURORA, IL — 18-Year-Old Elijah Cedar was thrilled when after a nerve-wracking interview, they were hired part-time, at Jumpstreet Trampoline Park. Now six years later at the age of 24, this same job has become a major detriment to Elijah’s mental health. Like many elder Gen Z, Elijah has struggled finding gainful employment. In order to make ends meet, they’ve had to take on a number of part time jobs that have been less than fulfilling, as they will no doubt tell you. “Thi

MARSHFIELD, Wis. — Local police officer Donny Lorenz received high praise from colleagues and civilians alike last week, after a heroic roadside rescue. The Marshfield PD Sergeant leapt into action Thursday night to score some sweet grass, glass, and cash from a blazing vehicle on the side of the road, eyewitnesses report. "It was incredible, like something out of an action movie," said local man Phil Pratt. "I could see the smoke from a mile away. I pulled over a couple hund

SALEM, OR — 46-year-old Elise Murphey finally had enough the night of March 2nd. After repeated requests that her boyfriend Isaiah Wiggins, 41, better contribute to maintaining a clean living space, it became clear that words would not be enough. Unsure of what actions would best communicate her dissatisfaction, inspiration would come from the apartment's third inhabitant, 3-year-old Tabby cat named Governor Greg Abbot. “I came home from a thirteen-hour shift and there, righ

UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO MEDICAL CENTER — 25 Year Old Spencer Carlisle was admitted to an urgent care late Wednesday night, displaying a wide array of symptoms. After a battery of testing, professionals within the facility were unable to diagnose the root cause of any of Spencer's ailments and he was then airlifted to The University of Chicago Medical Center for intensive care. While at the facility, Spencer was prescribed miscellaneous pills which seemed to do the trick. But a

Anaheim, CA — Famous Entertainment Mogul and Restauranteur Charles Entertainment Cheese was spotted by the press slipping out the backdoor of the known residence of Ms. Minnie Mouse late last Friday. “I’ve seen that rat sneaking in and out of the place for months now!” Said local cafe owner Daisy Duck. “I come in around 4 every morning to start baking and the past couple of times I’ve seen him slipping out the back window around that same time. I always knew Mickey wasn’t pa

DENVER -- A recent study out of the University of Colorado Denver found that this smoke circle has more heads than blunts, University researchers report. "After analyzing the smoke session for an extended period of time, we noticed something was seriously wrong." said Ron Pratt of CU Denver's Humanities Department. "It would appear that at least one stoner, possibly even multiple, showed up to the sesh, but failed to bring shit to smoke. We believe these individuals arrived w

ARBY’S KITCHEN -- Last night, amidst the final stretch of the midnight drive-thru dinner rush, experienced line cook Jeff proposed the staff engage in a discussion of global conflicts to make the work fly by. Rookie cashier Luis Fonz chimed into the conversation shouting, “Oh yeah, what’s happening in Sudan right now is crazy dude, glad the RSF is protecting the communities and citizens that really matter, finally some half decent change is happening around there.” He said w