SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — Local woman Annie LaSalle was shocked during a routine psychiatry appointment last week when her psychiatrist of three years, Dr. Leslie Eckert, prescribed LaSalle no less than three hours of scrolling, to be undertaken twice per day. “I mean, it sounded odd at first, but I guess she’s the doctor,” said LaSalle, who has struggled with General Anxiety Disorder since she was a teen. “If she thinks that firing up Instagram and burning through maybe 300, 400 re

NEW YORK — “Super Mario Galaxy” star Chris Pratt found himself unusually speechless during an appearance on The Today Show last week after being asked just why God created the “Good Egg Galaxy.” “It… It’s an interesting question you pose,” said Pratt, following 4 straight minutes of careful thought. “I guess I would say the ‘why?’ of it all is silly to focus on. The Almighty often does things for reasons we cannot hope to understand. All we can do is trust His plan and someti

WASHINGTON, DC — “Have you done your Tax Return?” asks IRS Commissioner Scott Bessent, holding a GLOCK-19 to your temple. With the April 15th deadline fast approaching, Scott Bessent wants to remind everyone “who the fuck is in charge." Bessent further threatened press saying, “You think you can fuck with us? You think your punk ass can open up a new small business and make more than you originally estimated for the fiscal year. ROTT IN HELL YOU DUMB FUCK. Give us everything

HARRIS COUNTY, Tx. — Following months of searching for a job that might actually pay a living wage, local woman Tracy Paulson is now entering the third hour of her application for a local Target, desperate sources confirm. “It started out simple enough,” said Paulson, 23. “Resumé, cover letter, the usual rigamarole. But then, things took a turn. They started asking me to type out my experience, my education, my contact info; you know, things you could easily find on the resum

This year, I had the unfortunate privilege of securing a press pass to the 2026 White House Easter Egg Roll. I had never possessed any intention of actually attending the event, but mushroom chocolates have a way of taking you to unexpected places. While the celebration was overall very entertaining, the evening presented one challenge that I could’ve done without. I was, in a word, deeply disturbed by the official White House Easter Bunny’s incessant requests to see my paper

WALGREENS — Patty Dresgo was devastated this last Monday when, after going to her local corner store, she found they no longer carried her favorite Cruelty-Full Blood Red Lipstick. Enraged, she detailed the full situation to the cashier. “Every year I get one day where I can feel like a goddamn princess, My Birthday! Nothing screams sexy princess like lipstick the same color as the blood of the innocent. I need this lipstick. I don’t know what the extra cruelty does for the c

GARY, IN — 27 Year Old Joseph Clyburn is a busy guy. When he’s not working his menial job at a local ad agency, he’s spending time with his girlfriend, 30 Year Old Marrisa Gardner. So it’s no surprise that for Joseph, home cooked meals are few and far between. But Joseph was especially surprised this last Tuesday when, after looking in the fridge for the first time all month, he noticed that it had become more mold than produce. Joseph gave this statement while Biohazard crew

CAIRO, Egypt — The Judeo-Christian God revealed a first-look teaser for his upcoming divine plague/epic prank during a press conference ahead of April Fool's Day. "It's going to be incredible ," The Almighty told local reporters. "As devout followers will know, every year I play a huge prank on the Pharoah, and this year I think I've finally found it. My magnum opus. It's simple: I am going to kill every first-born child and animal in every home." Humans were understandably r

DEARBORN, Mich. — In response to growing safety concerns surrounding their oversized pickup trucks, Ford Motor Company unveiled a new safety feature last week that promises to rid drivers of any petty worries surrounding pedestrians on the road, a spokesperson for the company reports. "We here at Ford are constantly looking for ways to make the roads a safer, more carefree space for drivers and drivers alone," said Ford's Director of Consumer Safety Maddigan Criss. "And we ha

CLEVELAND, OH — 33-year-old Helen Postly was admitted to the maternity ward at Jefferson Community Hospital late last Monday. Her husband, Kevin Postly couldn’t have been more thrilled. But not for reasons you might expect, as Kevin explained to press in between his wife’s contractions. “This is going to be a huge turning point in my professional career. I’m a juggler by trade. While the birth of my first two children was of course life changing, I’m going to be able to do wa

DALLAS, TX — Wait times at airports hit astronomical highs last weekend due to the ongoing shortage of TSA agents willing to work for free. The government was forced to reallocate some resources, as Texas Governor Greg Abott explained to the press. “We said, 'Okay. These lazy fucks won’t work for free. So who do we know that’ll give people invasive pat downs and search their shit, just for the love of the game?' Then it hit me, ICE!!!” But the Immigration and Customs Enforc

CHICAGO — McDonald's has partnered with US Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for the brand-new limited-time "RFK Jr. Measles & McNuggets Meal," a spokesperson for the company reports. "Honestly, we're just trying shit with these crossover meals." said McDonald's VP of Marketing Michelle Peters. "I mean we never in a million years thought [Secretary Kennedy] would actually agree to it. Like, what? But we were having some drinks, just pitching anythin

WEST LINN, Ore. — What could have been an extremely awkward encounter turned out to be a unique bonding opportunity for the family of local man Gil Montgomery, who finally admitted to having a secret second family... that also loves playing miniature wargame Warhammer 40K. "Yeah, you know, I was pretty shocked when we found out Dad was hiding a second family from us for our entire lives," said daughter Chloe Montgomery, 14. "At first I was pissed but then I saw the Imperium f

PINE BLUFF, Ark. — A true stand-out player in the Pine Bluff Community Center Men's Recreational League, local shooting guard Derek Sawyer, 36, has reportedly never lost a game to 4-time NBA Most Valuable Player Lebron James of the Los Angeles Lakers. "What can I say?" posited Sawyer while pump-faking an imaginary defender, "I never lose. Never. Especially to LeBron. How many people can really say that? Everybody hypes LeBron as a legend, a titan of the game, but he's never b

SHEPHERDSVILLE, Ky. — Amidst a bundle of grocery store ads, insurance scams, and flyers from internet service providers, one piece of mail in particular, sent from the so-called "Selective Service System", stuck out to local man John Passinissi, sources in denial report. "I mean it can't be real, right?" said Passinissi, pausing intermittently to stare at nothing. "It's gotta be spam... right? It has to be... It-- I get so much mail claiming this, that, or the other, but it's

BOISE, ID — Last Tuesday in trying to keep up with recent trends online, Robert Falter lost three fingers to an 18th century Power Loom. The trend has been dubbed online as Trad Husbandry and encourages men to seek out more traditionally masculine jobs like Textile Factory Worker, or Non Union Coal Miner. Mr. Falter further detailed the trend while medical professionals attempted to salvage the remains of his hand. “Well it all started when I started seeing all these “Trad

LOS ANGELES — After receiving the Oscar for Best Picture, Sinners star Michael B. Jordan thought it was finally time to bury the stake and shake hands with famous Irish Vampire Conan O’Brien. Jordan expressed his reservations on the red carpet outside the event. “It made us a little nervous when they made the announcement. Like we made this whole movie about fighting and killing Irish Vampires, then who do we see announced as the host of the Oscars this year? Conan! That’d b

AURORA, IL — 18-Year-Old Elijah Cedar was thrilled when after a nerve-wracking interview, they were hired part-time, at Jumpstreet Trampoline Park. Now six years later at the age of 24, this same job has become a major detriment to Elijah’s mental health. Like many elder Gen Z, Elijah has struggled finding gainful employment. In order to make ends meet, they’ve had to take on a number of part time jobs that have been less than fulfilling, as they will no doubt tell you. “Thi

MARSHFIELD, Wis. — Local police officer Donny Lorenz received high praise from colleagues and civilians alike last week, after a heroic roadside rescue. The Marshfield PD Sergeant leapt into action Thursday night to score some sweet grass, glass, and cash from a blazing vehicle on the side of the road, eyewitnesses report. "It was incredible, like something out of an action movie," said local man Phil Pratt. "I could see the smoke from a mile away. I pulled over a couple hund

MINOT AIR FORCE BASE, ND — Senior Airman Frank Holland was among the first Americans to foresee the oncoming conflict with Iran, when late last February he discovered nearly all of the ballistics stored in his facility displayed a best by date of March 1st, 2026. In an interview with reporters last week, Airman Holland further explained the weight of his discovery. “Do you have any idea what the budget request was for the U.S. Military in 2025? 849.8 Billion Dollars!" exclai